A couple of years ago I decided to start a little project on tumblr called “We Rank Ladies”. I never did much with it, but the basic idea was to mock the frankly misogynistic practice of ranking female characters from games or anime or comics by doing that, but using absurdist metrics of judgment rather than just going “this is the character I think is the hottest”. I’ve decided to take up the practice again, and for the first post in this vein, I’m making a bit of an update to one of the ones I posted previously.  So, without further ado, here’s

Stardew Valley Ladies Ranked By How Likely They Are To Eat Rocks

1. Abigail

Abigail has been shown to canonically eat rocks, based on her response when you give her a “liked” item, which includes quartz.

2. Emily

I love Emily but she is so goddamn weird sometimes I bet she’d eat a rock without batting an eye.

3. Caroline

Who knows what kind of freaky shit Caroline and Rasmodius got up to while they were making Abigail. Eating rocks I bet.

4. Pam

Get Pam drunk enough and she’d eat just about anything.

5. Jodi

Jodi seems like the sort who’d eat rocks if they were part of the latest fad dieting trend.

6. Maru

Sometimes you just have to eat a rock for Science. Maru is willing to do whatever it takes in the pursuit of knowledge. It’s like the lick test but taken to the next level.

7. Jas

Kids like eating rocks, right?

8. Leah

Leah would eat a rock just because like… why not?

9. Sandy

Sandy lives in the desert, where she is surrounded by sand, which is coarse and rough and gets everywhere and also is basically just tiny rocks, so she’s probably eaten her fair share even without totally meaning to.

10. Haley

Haley could be persuaded to eat a rock, but only if it was really pretty and/or she was trying to impress someone.

11. Marnie

Nah.

12. Penny

Penny would not eat a rock.

13. Robin

Robin works with rocks all the time, so she’s probably too fed up with them to feed on them.

14. Evelyn

I’m not sure Evelyn is physically capable of eating rocks at this point.

15. The Farmer

I know for a fact the farmer can’t eat rocks, due to some rather unfortunate gameplay limitations.