Seven Pirates H
Reviewed For: Nintendo Switch
It’s no longer a surprise to find games on the Nintendo eShop that are for a more adult audience. I won’t say mature, because, let’s be honest, a game that primarily focuses on jiggly bits is far from a mature theme. But gamers are, for better or worse, more open and almost proud about engaging with games that would have raised eyebrows, clutched pearls and outright been banned from game storefronts just twenty years ago. Compile Heart and Idea Factory are never ones to shy away from the lewd, and it’s garnered them quite a bit of favor when it comes to their fanbase. From peppy video game mascots to bizarre backgrounds, there’s no shame in getting your rocks off with something that’s more plot driven (both kinds) than the average game. The problem is, though, that it still needs to be a decent game.
Seven Pirates H is the spiritual successor to Moero Chronicles, a dungeon crawler that we’ve seen two flavors of on the Switch so far and have been, for the most part, successful. In Moero Chronicles, you have to go through classic first person dungeons (think Eye of the Beholder) and fight really cheeky monsters while eventually finding monster girls who you liberate from evil magic through fondling. It’s hugely inappropriate and I would never play it in mixed company, but, and Imust hold firm, it’s a good dungeon crawler, and the characters are visually pleasing. That’s just how it goes. By comparison, Seven Pirates H, which comes from the same development house, goes in a slightly different direction.
You play Kairi, a pirate who awakens on a beach with missing memories and no purpose, but decide that you’re a pirate and, therefore, are going to go find treasure. You’re immediately beset by the series’ mascot, Otton, a perverted seal who loves being a rascat (which is 80s slang for sex criminal) and says he can help you achieve your dreams and also adjust the size of your chest. Through a quick and frankly upsetting mini game, you fondle Kairi’s breasts, which makes them bigger, which increases her offense. Kairi realizes that the power of boobs will help her get to where she wants, and she immediately gets a ship, a crew of other women (of various monster backgrounds), and sets off for adventure. Along the way, they’ll find the true meaning of friendship, develop insane fighting combinations, and figure out if they like their boobs bigger or smaller, depending if they want to be built for speed or damage. Also, the whole thing is voiced, so either mute the volume or wear headphones, because we’ve got a lot of moans in this one.
Abandoning the perspective of Moero Chronicles, Seven Pirates H is a more traditional RPG, allowing you to move mostly freely through overworld maps, seeing monsters and choosing whether to encounter them, and then fighting accordingly. There’s a magical meter for each character that’s measured in desire, a bit of a nod to the desire system that Moero uses for its protagonist. If characters fight long enough, their desire builds up to max so that powerful attacks can be used that, while it doesn’t always end a fight, will certainly change the tide of battle. Inherently, this system tries to make sense with what it implies (building up sexual energy mid battle) and what it expresses (exploding outwards when reaching a peak climax), but the moves are often straightforward superpowerful spells with some extra undulation added. It doesn’t totally achieve what it’s trying to showcase, which is some kind of fighting orgasm, so the added moans and flushes as you build up seem quite unnecessary.
In fact, that’s probably the worst part about the entirety of Seven Pirates H is that it feels unnecessary. It’s got plenty of sexual tone, let’s be perfectly clear. You jettison around on your ship to different islands, discover NPCS and future allies who all talk about their breasts, your breasts, the breasts of the world, and then fight you until something is won. Otton uses heaps of what I can only categorize as hyper innuendo, where someone talks so much about sexual elements without outright saying “I would have sex with you if you wanted.” It was funny in the previous games, but, here, it just feels so hamfisted throughout, and I think that’s because there’s no balance. As strange as it sounds, it made sense in Moero Chronicle for there to be a singular male figure in the party/game as it gave a bit of focus for why there was such lascivious tonality throughout. A magic spell that makes every monster girl want to bed you somehow feels more explanatory than a frustrated seal imparts the wisdom of bigger boobs on the whole of the female pirating community. For a game that shockingly passes the Bechdel test, it fails spectacularly in not catering to the male gaze, which, I’m certain, the devs have no problems with.
Yet if you just wanted to play a game where you saw scantily clad anime girls and then used your buttons or mouse to massage their breasts, there’s probably no fewer than twenty available for free as we speak. So you need to look at the rest, and it’s where Seven Pirates H really falls flat. The mini quests that you’re chronically running don’t feel that they have a true “side” element to them: rather, they’re almost of happenstance. You’ll definitely finish the quests as long as you just literally keep moving forward in the game. Without the dungeon framework, your party runs in all directions on beaches, in forests, across rocky terrain and into dungeons in a loosey-goosey manner, which feels ambling instead of freeing. The combat is just standard turn-based fighting with an order bar to let you know who’s coming next, so you can plan accordingly. You travel everywhere with the store that’ll help you get more equipment, you choose how to level up everywhere you go…it’s odd. They captured the nomadic ideas of a pirate crew, and, in doing so, alienate the RPG factors that you’d normally get in a JRPG.
Here’s where it all comes together, and you can take it or leave it. Seven Pirates H has some of that great, tongue-in-cheek-and-on-your-neck writing that’s both hilarious and uncomfortable at times, so the dialogue scenes (which are frequent) are fun. The fighting isn’t bad, the equipment is solid and the game has a good amount of play time, not to mention plenty of party customization once you get more than a handful of crewmates. The sexuality of the game is, all at once, both a lot and not enough. It’s not nearly as overt as Moero Chronicles, and yet the notes they hit are even stronger in terms of when they pop up. If you can divorce the previous installments from your mind (which took me a bit of doing), you end up with a decent RPG that’s certainly blue but not out of the realms of taste. It has moments of cuteness, but it never really lands in a spot where I would weigh it against other games of this genre, and certainly not against my rankings of games that I consider my favorites. So, if you’re looking for adventure and more than a bit of booty, you can set sail with Seven Pirates H.
Seven Pirates H
Seven Pirates H has the visual appeal to grab more suggestive gamers, but the grind loop may bore you before uncovering any treasure.