Video Game “Review”: Assassin’s Creed Odyssey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ca-LYEsVwGI

Rejoice, Spartan fans! Ubisoft has seen fit to release 300: The Game in its entirety on its Twitter account! Their financial foolishness is our cultural gain, and I – like many of you – have taken it upon myself to play it through and bring you my expert opinion:

As we all know, I rate games on a multiple-point scale, with 10 points possible in each of 10 categories. Let’s see how 300 did, shall we?

Name: “300: The Game” is absolutely inspired. It calls back to its source material by including “300,” but really shows that it’s a new take on the formula by adding “The Game” afterwards, letting us know that yes: this is a game. Brilliant. Compare this to God of War, which not only doesn’t tell us which god of war it refers to but neglects to mention what kind of war. Cold war? Drug war? Shipping war? Either way, “300: The Game” is brilliant in its clarity and specificity. 10/10.

Location: 300 is set on a high cliff with some islands and some rolling hills around. I found it inconsistent – either be on land or off land, don’t give me this estuary crap! Make. A. Choice. 4/10.

Source Material: Basing a game called 300 off of Will Eisner’s A Contract with God is a gutsy move, and who hasn’t thought to themselves that ACWG could use a video game adaptation? The incorporation of the main character’s religious turmoil really does a lot for the story here. 8.325/11.

Headwear: Though they goes by faster than the eye can really see, the helmets(?) really make me feel like my head is being crushed in a vice. 10/10/10/10/10

Skirt 1: Red? Silver? Looks like somebody’s trying to get on the Iron Man hype train! But I’ll give it a pass. Iron Man/Wonder Woman.

Skirt 2: We can see up it a little bit. This is too lewd for a game as religious as this one, and they’ll alienate their audience if they’re not careful. 13/10.

Kick: Oh WOW! Oh MAMA! Bam! Sa-PAK! Boom! Whoosh! HAI-CHYA! 300/10.

Length: Who wants to read a whole book when you can just play this? You get the whole story in a literal five-second package! Modern technology sure is a wonder. .001 seconds.

Replayability: If you’re playing on the Twitter platform, it plays again all by itself! ∞/10

Characters Named “Bumbert”: Knowing that the man getting kicked off the cliff is named “Bumbert” really catapults this experience to the next level. Safe travels, Bumbert! Ha ha ha ha! Bumbert/Rumbo