https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PPofXaJ4go&feature=youtu.be
Well, folks, I finally did it. I finally saw Watchmen. People have been yelling at me about it for years, and like a fool I ignored them. I thought, “how good can a movie about superheroes murdering people be??” I have never been more wrong! The depth of character! The strength of vision! The slow-mo! I mean, it was all there! Well, I’d save some content for the review, ha ha! As you know, I have a 100-point system of rating films, with 10 points awarded in 10 different categories. Let’s see how Zack Snyder’s seminal film Watchmen stacks up!
Casting: I think the casting for Ozymandias was perfect! Just look at that guy’s chin! He’s really got what it takes to be a mass-murdering, black-and-grey-morality mastermind.
I’m a little disappointed that they combined Silk Spectre and Dr. Manhattan into one character, but I think that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. In this case, they took a shot and it hit something! I don’t know what they hit or what dimension it was in, but they hit it! Rating: Chin/10.
Story: So, the story – and, for the record, I’ve never read the comic – the story seems to be about disenfranchised heroes from the past coming together to absolutely brutalize the forces of evil without any moral or legal consequences whatsoever, an almost Nietzschean vision of the ubermensch taking command of an unsteady world that requires the leadership of its betters. And I’ve gotta say – I’m convinced! If I ever get caught stealing, I demand to have my legs broken and my skull caved in! It’s what I deserve!
Rating: Blue Lives Matter/10.
Dialogue: Now, the inclusion of the phrase “fuck Batman” definitely caught me off guard in a good way! It was like, like they were saying “the old ways are over. This is what a superhero is now, and we’re mad! Oh boy howdy, we’re SO mad!” And it just…. really spoke to me! It’s exactly how I would say it! It’s set the new standard for superheroes, and from now on I’ll be happy to fuck Batman right along with anyone else who wants to!
Rating: 68/10. Wait wait wait. That’s too low. 70/10.
Music: I absolutely loved the creepy circus music at the beginning of the film. I mean, think about it: A circus is a classic bastion of innocent fun, right? Just like superheroes. But by making it creepy and unsettling, Snyder showed the audience that NO. This isn’t your everyday superhero movie. This isn’t your chiseled, handsome, lusty Batman we’re talking about. This is darker. This is better. Who needs innocence, anyway? Fun is kid stuff!
Rating: When’s the It crossover happening?
Edge Factor: Like many of you, a key point of my enjoyment of any film is the number of objects with sharp objects that we see onscreen. I’m happy to report that Ozymandias’ trademark R-a-rang (“R”, of course, standing for “R-rated,” reminding us that this film is, in fact, rated “R”, rated “R” because it’s a very adult and mature film, very mature, very adult, thus meriting the “R” rating, the “R” rating that is referred to by Ozy’s R-a-rang) made it into the film with all of its very sharp and gritty edges intact! Perfect for completely severing a petty thief’s brain stem!
Rating: OUCH!/10.
Murder: The final scoring area is murder! I’m giving out 1 point for every murder that occurs both on and off the screen. But counting all of that seems like a pain! But I’m willing to bet it’s at least several dozen! Let “X” represent the number of murders in this film!
Rating: X≥50.
Final Rating: Wait, you’re telling me this wasn’t Watchmen? What the hell did I just see then? No, wait, no, I have to do the review over again now- no! Please! NO!
BANG!
